There really, truly is so much going on behind the scenes lately that I really do try to sit down & blog about it all, but then sitting down to even blog only seems to be able to happen at ridiculous o’clock these days, & it goes without saying that me & ridiculous o’clock are not friends.
And we probably never will be.
It sucks though, because I love coming here to tell my stories of Motherhood, & working Motherhood, & nailing Motherhood, & then not nailing Motherhood. I have always been, & imagine I always will be a teller of stories, especially when it comes to stories of Motherhood. I guess what I am trying to say is that when I don’t come to this space, I end up missing it so very much. It’s like, for me, being able to come here to my own little space on the www allows me to enjoy Motherhood a whole lot more, just because I get to discuss Motherhood I guess?
So while I’m currently not able to discuss as much as I’d like to, thanks to the busy-ness that is life lately, I’mma resort to dot point discussion instead.
I guess I got promoted? Well, my hours got increased, & I am now managing all social media forums with Down That Little Lane, … & loving it.
I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to pull it off. I’m a dirty old perfectionist from way back, y’see, so I was worried I’d be taking on all of the extra hours, but then end up having a meltdown over trying to pull it all off. And the thing is, I’m actually pulling it off?! I mean it’s busy, & it’s especially busy when Frankie goes through one of those baby developmental leaps & seemingly needs to be held 24 mofo’ing 7, but … I pull it off? I do, I really do, & … I’m chuffed.
Some friends’ll say, why don’t you make it easy on yourself & y’know … not work? But see, I can’t. I actually just can’t. It’s not in me not to work, I actually don’t know what to do with myself when I’m not working, & yes whilst there are some days (or a lot of days even) that feel entirely insane when you’re working from home with an infant & a toddler, I actually feel more insane when I’m home with an infant & a toddler & not working.
We’re all different, aren’t we? For me personally, working Motherhood is what helps me be a better Mother, because … I have something for me, just me. I also like that Dave’s income goes towards the mortgage & a couple of bills, & then mine goes towards groceries, more bills, & then fantastic things for the kids like swimming lessons, art classes, weekend adventures, & then yep, … occasional spoils for me (usually of the home décor kinda spoilin’, & mostly always from DTLL, ha!).
Yes, there are moments where I have to ask Max to “just give Mummy ten minutes” while I respond to a work e-mail or whatever, & y’know look … there aren’t many three year old’s who like being told to “just wait”. And yep, not even six months ago this alone used to riddle me with guilt. Nowadays though? I feel no guilt. Zilch. He is learning my incredibly good work ethic, he is learning patience, he is learning that the world does not revolve specifically around his wants + needs, he comes out with adorable one-liners to his Kindergarten teachers like “did you know that Daddy goes to work to pay for my yoghurt, & Mummy goes to work to pay for my pasta?” & hey, I’d be lying if I told you that my inner feminist doesn’t love that Mummy & Daddy are on equal playing fields according to our three year old. In his eyes, we’re both bringing home the bacon (or yoghurt, … & pasta, ha!).
And I bloody love that.
And hey, I save roughly $250 per week on childcare for x2 children, so y’know, … go me!
// Other work related matters.
I was offered some social media work with another big company.
I did consider taking it on, & if I did, I could have only pulled it off if we looked into getting a Nanny x1 day per week whose sole task would have just been to keep the children away from me so that I could work uninterrupted, ha!
It sounded really great actually, but the thing is I didn’t realise until the very end of our phone discussion that there would be an expectation for me to leave DTLL due to a conflict of interest, so … a no go.
Still, it was nice to be told that they liked how I’ve been executing DTLL’s social media.
I’m … chuffed.
// ‘House of sick’.
Dave & I have just recovered from the most torrential wave of sick. Actually, it completely knocked us all for six, & it really is times like these that I really just couldn’t feel further from Adelaide.
Y’know, … home.
Had I been in Adelaide, I know I’d have had Dad, a step Ma, step sister, my brother, my brother’s wife, & look, I know they’re all busy, but they’re also family, & I know they’d have helped.
Don’t get me wrong, I have family here; an Aunt & a Nanna, but at exactly the same time that we got struck with relentless bad health like we did the other week, my Nan tore a tendon in her shoulder, so my Aunt was helping her with that.
Just shit out of luck, really.
Dave & I spoke in bed after we recovered from my mastitis hell, & then all of us simultaneously being struck down with a really nasty & undoubtledly swimming lesson induced chest infection. And we couldn’t help but agree that we really are alone in our parenting adventures, & it’s times like the ones we’ve just had where we really do realise that.
It’s a really empty feeling. And I never want my children to know that emptiness.
// Mother’s group.
I’ve found a most incredible crew.
I’ve never had an incredible Mothers group-like crew before, & they’re rapidly feeling like the family that I don’t have in Melbourne. When I got really sick with mastitis the other week, they came around with their kids & we sort of just did this communal play date where I was mostly just able to sit down & be at peace with my mastitis, & then they mostly just didn’t judge me, or my messy house, or my greasy, unwashed hair.
I’ve never had that before. And it felt seriously … nurturing.
// Love bites.
Dave & I just can’t get along lately.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Parenting is hard. And unfortunately for Dave, he married someone who is without a Mother, & without a sister in Australia, & without a Father in Melbourne, so … he’s my village.
Sounds romantic huh? It’s f*cking not. It means that I rely on him for everything, & it must be exhausting for one man to be one woman’s entire village. And I feel sorry for him, I really do. But … I feel sorry for me too. I need him. And he has to work interstate a lot, & when we roll into end of June 30 season he works ninety hour weeks, & I just actually go bat sh*t crazy.
Sometimes, I’d just love someone to help me out with arsenic hour, or solo parenting adventures, or the whole getting the three year old to actually eat dinner every-single-night mofo’ing tantrum, or tidying the house after the kids are asleep so that I can tackle work-from-home in a reasonably respectable environment.
Sometimes? I’d just like it if someone, anyone, could just sit there while I tackle all of that by myself. Just … company, y’know?
The other night, I threw an apple pie at him. Because he was just being a smug f*ck. And because I didn’t have the maturity to articulate my frustration in an even remotely respectable way, so … I threw an apple pie at him. And my heart smiled & felt a whole lot better watching the stupid bloody thing disintegrate all over him.
And hey look, thankfully for me, Dave knows he married a throw’er. I don’t know what other women do when they’re angry? Silent treatment? A long drive? Retreat to the bedroom for some alone time? Scream obscenities?
Me? I throw things. Mostly always food. Never in front of my children, rest assured.
// Ardy Away.
“Ardy Away”, which is how Max pronounces “Aunty Marie”, & I think we both secretly hope that he’ll never grow out of it.
I met her years ago when she was studying to be a midwife & needed a pregnant person to buddy up with to help her complete her course. Enter bloated, first time Mum-to-be, seriously pregnant me. As soon as I met her, I was like “you’re wonderful! Of course you can deliver my baby”.
And so she did. And then she did again with Frankie.
She’s just … such a wonderful person! Godmother to Frankie, favourite “Aunt” & best friend to Max, secret God damned crush o’ mine. I mean truly, when she walks into our home? I just about crush on this beautiful human being. I mean, any Mother would when they see someone loving on their children almost as much as they do themselves?!
I remember feeling nervous to ask her to be Frankie’s Godmother. I mean we were friends, but it was mostly based around pregnancy + babies + childbirth, y’know? But I just wanted my children to have her values, her family values, the strongest family values you’ll ever see. And the thing is, she said yes to being Godmother, an emphatic yes even?!
And she’s been playing Aunt to my children ever since. And I can’t even articulate how much that fills my heart with joy. I tried, Lord knows I tried to thank her in a speech I made at Frankie’s baptism, but because I fail at speaking publicly it came out in a jumbled bloody mess.
I look forward to the day when I can give back to the friendship, what she puts in.
And so this is life lately. My life lately. In dot point.