October 14, 2013

She’s just not that into you.

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I’ve never made it a secret that the female friendship dynamic is for me, the most difficult dynamic to navigate.  Women are just incredibly complex creatures, & hey y’know what? … I too am one of those same complex creatures, but I am also a little bit (or a lot) of a tom boy, & so I just really struggle with women & their friendship, a lot.

Sometimes I think because I was raised by a man, I’ve come to think like a man, which is to sometimes not think at all, & so I often run the risk of hurting the feelings of my beloved friends through all o’ my non thinking.  And it’s not that I don’t care about them, far out, I care, I really really care – it’s just that I often struggle to show this ‘care’.  It’s like I’m not creative enough, or something.  Because if you’re my friend, & I like you, or even love you, I’ll basically only really know of two different ways to show you that I care about you;

// I’ll buy you things.  Nothing huge, just small things like little bitty pieces from Typo, or Kikki K, or I’ll just fix up the bill if we have a coffee, or lunch, or something.

// I’ll compliment you.  And I’ll mean it.  But I won’t harp on about it.  I’ll just compliment you, & then I guess I’ll just expect that you’ll take the compliment so that we can move forward with the business that is enjoying each other’s friendship.

But the thing is this, if I’ve just had one of those months where my mortgage has slammed me, or we’ve copped our quarterly gas bill at the end of Winter, or our car has broken down for the umpteenth time, well … I can’t really afford to hit Typo, or Kikki K, or fix up lunch bills.  And if your hair has looked amazing every flipping time that we’ve caught up & I’ve told you this much, well … I’m all out of ideas.  That just really is how non creative I am when it comes to navigating female friendship, & showing my female friends that I care about them.

It’s like I’m this male-minded, female-bodied, non creative … idiot, or something.  And I see other chicks do friendship, & I see them do it really well, & I’ll admit at times I almost feel jealous of just how simply (& simply well) they do friendship.  But I just put it down to everyone being good at something, & for me, it’s just not the whole females as friends thing.  I have female friends, God only knows how, but I do.  Actually, I have really good ones, but I think that’s just because I’ve found my really small group of women who (God love them) just seem to accept the incredibly clumsy way I go about maintaining friendships with them.

I mean … I screw up, I forget birthdays, I read texts & forget to reply to them, I’m not great at phone calls, & this could all so easily translate to not giving a flip about them, but that’s just not true.  I just … I’m just not wired to want to call someone & discuss the meaning of life with them each & every day, partly because I just don’t have the time to do that, but mostly because even if I did, I wouldn’t want to.  I mean Christ, I’m quite literally elbow deep in Huggies nappies each & every day, so I mean really … who would want to hear from me at the end of each day? If anything, you’d want to be screening my calls, because I’ve got nothing even remotely fascinating to talk about at the end of my each & every day.

A few weeks ago, I copped the ‘unfriend’ on Facebook.  It’s all very female, & it’s all very 2013.  The beauty about the unfriend (& there really is beauty in it) is that there is absolutely no confrontation required, & for a non-confrontational person like myself, that really is beautiful.  The non beauty in it, is that I still don’t know why I was unfriended, & I probably never will.  And that’s ok too, because I’m a big girl & I was able to put my big girl pants on & accept that not everyone you meet is going to like you, & for male-minded, female-bodied people like me … that’s going to be a lot of people.

My shyness is going to be mistaken for snobbery, my shocking phone etiquette is going to be misinterpreted as not caring, & all of the other flavours that make me, well … me aren’t going to win me the hearts of many females as friends.  I know this about me, & I’ve always known this about me, & so for me to even be able to enjoy a beautiful friendship with another female means being able to find the kind of females who are patient enough to break through my rather tough exterior, because underneath that tough exterior & my fluency in sarcasm is a woman who loves her friends with intensity, but who executes that love in a sometimes (or often) really clumsy manner.

And so for those that unfriend me on facey, & then block me on instagram, I’m learning not to take it all so personally.  I mean sure, it feels personal, but sometimes? … she’s just not that into you.  And the thing is, you can’t force her to be.  And then furthermore, you also can’t really expect someone to dig your friendship when yours is a friendship that has a very male-minded, female-bodied flavour to it.

{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

Tessa - Down that Little Lane October 14, 2013 at 5:18 pm

Your a total freak but a freak like me and thats why I DO love you.. I have just written a post sort of similar post about my lack of maintaining mine outside of the work ones..

You can be sad about it or you can just know that the good ones will last, won’t judge you or de friend you and will always be there even if you are knee deep in huggies and have bugger all to say x

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:31 am

I agree Tess, completely agree!

The right friends stick around through your elbow deep in nappies years, & I’ve no doubt the small collection I have now are just those kinda girls :)

x

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Alisha Malandrini October 14, 2013 at 5:22 pm

They just never knew the real Beautiful you. There loss hon xx

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:32 am

Thanks beautiful :)

Grateful for your friendship.

Always.

x

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The Flying Drunken Monkey October 14, 2013 at 5:23 pm

I’m terrible at friendships too. I have one friend. One person that I catch with on a very semi-regular basis, one person I invite to my daughter’s parties, one person that I could call when I was in need. I have a lot of online friends but none that I could *really* confide in. Funny thing is this person was an online friend to begin with.
I’m not sure what it is. I think I’m a very solitary person – I feel overwhelmed with a husband, 2 children, extended family that I sometimes just forget to make an effort. I just couldn’t cope with having to think about more people. Sometimes it makes me sad but mostly I’ve come to accept it.

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:34 am

Cassie,

I relate to this so much!

The thing you said about feeling overwhelmed with a husband, two children, family etc.? I get that. I get overwhelmed too. I am a quality not quantity kinda girl, so if friendship circles start getting too broad, I just can’t maintain it all.

Christ, maintaining my own family unit ALONE sometimes feels overwhelming enough? ;)

x

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sass October 14, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Dude!
I’m THE WORST at female friendships… I’m weird and awkward when you first meet me and that makes people feel weird and awkward too..who knew!
My besties know that I’m terrible to get a hold of unless it’s by text, i’m flaky and my social anxiety means I’ll rock up to your wicked cool party, but I’ll leave after five minutes BECAUSE PEOPLE! They also know, I love them fiercely, i’ll defend them to the death, i’m generous (that kills the husband) and I will always always be there in a crisis.
I think in my old age (ha) i’ve learnt that “what other people think of me, is none of my business” and that’s really okay. If you don’t want to be my friend anymore, well, there isn’t much I can do about it.

Love you loads honey. I’ll be your friend forever.
xx

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:36 am

Oh Sass!

I laughed, because the whole ‘my awkwardness causes awkwardness’ thing is just so completely me. I honestly create SO many awkward silences sometimes, it’s just … excruciating ;)

I’m learning the whole ‘what other people think of me, is none of my business thing’ too. The truth is, I’m just becoming too busy to care. And especially if it’s something fickle? No time. Just no time to be involved with other people’s fickle issues.

Friends forever :)

And Fred Durst forever ;)

x

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Cass October 14, 2013 at 5:52 pm

I got a big ol’ defriend recently too. I confronted it and I was told it was ‘irepairable’. I don’t even know what it was. I was pretty sad but I live by one rule with friendship. I expect nothing and give my best.
It might sound shit but people are people they have expectations and sometimes we can’t meet those expectations. All we can do is our best and if that’s not good enough what kind of friendship is there anyway?

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:38 am

Irrepairable? Wow.

I mean, especially if you’ve got NO idea what could be so … irrepairable?!

See, that’s the thing about 2013 + social media. You can just ‘unfriend’ people in an instant, & while the non-confrontational aspect of it is pleasing, it’s the whole … ‘but what did I do?’ that the other person gets left with.

As I said above though, these days I just feel too busy to find out what it is that I actually did. So I just cop it & think, ok, I’m sorry for whatever it is that I’ll probably never find out that I did? ha!

x

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lecinda October 14, 2013 at 5:55 pm

the best kind of friendship is when two people can meet up after x weeks/months of distance and it will be like no time has passed. Who has time to talk every day anyway!? I have lost a few female friendships because of that too, it’s not just you!! :) I agree with Alisha, their loss! xo

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:39 am

I whole-HEARTEDLY agree with that Lecinda!

Whole-heartedly!

x

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Beth October 14, 2013 at 6:05 pm

yup I totally suck and that’s okay! I am honest brutally so, I am definitely not the friend you want to massage your ego or tell you what you want to hear, but if you want a laugh and someone to stand there through the good the bad and the trackies I’m your girl xx

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:42 am

I love brutally honest.

I’m not brutally honest myself, I’m just honest. I also don’t sugar coat, at all. But I SUIT brutally honest people, & just last year I had a friend come right out & say, ‘fuck Chez. Just do better’, & I really appreciated it. I guess that’s the kind of friendship that I appreciate. Just come right out & say it, & then let’s apologise & get over it together.

Trackies are also incredibly welcome in any friendship of mine. In fact, I’m rocking leggings x5 days per working week (& weekends too).

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Amelia {Nurture and Shine October 14, 2013 at 6:25 pm

Oh honey – I copped a few “de-friends” this year… Totally high school, but at the same time, a couple of years ago I did the whole ‘de-friend thing’ myself – I needed a clean up. Maybe it was my karma. But the ones this year cut deep.
But at the end of the day it says more about them than you. And Tess is so right – the beautiful, true ones stick around and are understanding of the fact that messages don’t and can’t always be replied to.

I have so much love for you… and I’m blessed to have you as a friend. xx

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:43 am

Yep, I totally understand the ‘defriend’. And I usually accept it, but this one was a little more complex than that. But of course, que sera, right?

I love that despite our always being so permanently busy, we’ve still got time & respect for our friendship :)

x

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Merowyn October 14, 2013 at 7:32 pm

Babe,

I’m the worst at female friendship… forget to text, forget to call, forget everything. That said I did de-friend a few people who I thought were close gf’s/friends post Orlando’s birth because the assholes didn’t even click “like” on his photo on fb. I mean, really?! I’m not expecting gifts or visits but at least an acknowledgement would be nice. Had family (extended) do the same thing!! Ha!

Really looking forward to meeting you and Frankie and Maxie don’t for a second think I don’t want to meet you because I haven’t said anything for…. months haahahaha the days just slip by!!!

xoxox

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:44 am

Wow.

I totally understand those defriends. Not to visit? Sucky, but ok. But they could at least throw a ‘like’ on a cute pic of Orlando. I mean, it’s not hard, he’s flipping EDIBLE!

Can’t wait to meet, & then go weeks without texting/e-mailing/whatever’ing, & not melting down over that ;)

Motherhood is just … busy.

x

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Rachael October 14, 2013 at 8:34 pm

Ahhh Cherie,

Females! One of the worlds greatest mysteries… I can count my true friends on one hand and that is enough for me. True friendship is simple! I agree with Cass’s comment – expect nothing and give your best! True friends will see the sun that shines out of your soul, even on the darkest of days ♥ All that you can do is be true to yourself & the universe will always remove what is no longer serving you ) x

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:45 am

YES Rachael!

Mystery is literally the best word!

I think being able to count true friends on one hand is a blessing in itself, because you’re not spreading yourself out amongst too many people. For me, I can only spread myself so thin, & like a small, tight knit circle :)

x

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Reannon October 14, 2013 at 8:47 pm

Don’t take the “unfriend” to heart. Over the last 6 months I’ve culled my Facebook friend list to under 100. I realized most people on there didn’t interact with me or I really just didn’t have things in common with them- hence why we’d lost touch over the years.
Unless it’s a “proper in real life friend” I try not to get too worried about it :)

I tend to think as we get older, our families expand & life gets busier we just don’t have the time to give to friendships like we used to. Sometimes I get bummed about it, especially when I’m the friend who gets left out of the group invite, but it is what it is….plus you’ve just had a baby! Who’s got time to socialise?!

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:48 am

I did take it to heart initially, but yep, I definitely understand that sometimes people just need to cull. Christ, I’ve done the same, & do the same regularly. I completely got that.

It was crossing over to instagram & realising I’d also been blocked there, despite them not doing the same to most of our mutual friends that I took personally.

And I know, NO time for socialising here! NO TIME. But that’s what I value online friendship even more, because without that, & nil socialising, the days can get lonely & isolative.

x

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Renee October 14, 2013 at 8:51 pm

I think having children also help us realise who we want to make the effort with and who our true friends are. Our spare time as mothers is so severely limited that it makes us demand quality only and some ‘friends’ don’t accept that.
I had a very rude awakening when at 7m E had a convulsion & I had to give him resus. He recovered fine but I was suffering panic attacks etc. I told my very best friend (was my bridesmaid etc) and do you know I never heard from her again basically. From talking everyday to No call or text to even see how E and I were. That did for me but it still hurts.
Anyway, enough about me… I think real friends will always accept you and make time for you and that you will do the same in return. Those that don’t? Well there is plenty more fish in the sea ;)
X

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:50 am

Renee,

I’m completely SHOCKED reading this!

You literally had to administer CPR to your own child, & your best friend didn’t even think you’d need to be counselled through this, & post this?

… wow!

I think losing that friendship has probably been a complete blessing!

I’d lose that friend in a heartbeat.

I hope you’ve never had to do anything like that with your little E ever again, that’s every parent’s worst nightmare!

x

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Kirrily October 14, 2013 at 8:56 pm

No, seriously. Did I somehow write this (and add the Huggies nappies part for fictional good measure because I don’t do that these days) and somehow sneak it up onto your blog? Because this is me. To a T!

Well looks like you’ve found at least 9 or 10 people – and counting – who do it the way you do it! Clumsily! What’s that saying? There’s safety in numbers…? Thank you for writing this, you’ve actually validated something in me that I’ve recently been pondering. Chin up! xox

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:52 am

It sounds like I hacked your mind? ;)

I’m kinda amazed how many similar personality types end up flocking to the web! I’ve met so many personality types via this online space alone, & some of those have extended into real life friendship, simply because the friendship does just come so easily.

Chin up, always :)

x

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Camielle October 14, 2013 at 10:11 pm

I’ve had a few de-friends and what’s more weird is then being asked to be re-friends a few months or years later.

Continue to be yourself and your real friends will stick by you and continue to get you in all your awkwardness.

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:53 am

Oh Cam, I literally cringed when I read about the re-friend months or years later.

That’s just plain awkward.

And I would never accept that.

Social media etiquette is a tough one, & even though I work in social media, I am still permanently getting my head around the etiquette associated with social media.

x

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Peggy October 14, 2013 at 11:28 pm

Oh I gave up giving a rats about whether people want to be my friend or not years ago. I have no issue with letting go of the dead-end friendship, if there is bad behaviour I’m outta there! And let’s face it, the cowardly defriend on FB really is poor form. I suspect the defriend-er did you a favour sweets.

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:55 am

I’m getting to this headspace Pegs.

Motherhood is getting me there even faster ;)

Working Motherhood? Faster again! ;)

x

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Teresa October 15, 2013 at 12:15 am

Oh I soooo know what you mean….. I am THE WORST friend ever at times. The thing is, I’d rather send texts than call, because I talk all day at work and then the idea of talking to someone I actually want to talk to, even when I do really want to talk to them… It just doesn’t appeal! I still find it strange that women, even in their 30s still play childish high school games. It’s happened to friends of mine recently, and I think you just have to have a laugh at those crazy chicks and move on with life…. True friends are the ones that just understand you no matter what. Luckily for me, I have a couple of them in my life. That’s all I need.

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:56 am

A couple?

That’s all anyone needs :)

It means you can invest more time in those couple anyway, & I think you’ll have a better friendship to show for that anyway :)

x

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Deb - An Inspirational Journey October 15, 2013 at 5:18 am

I like this post :)

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Raising Master Max October 15, 2013 at 8:56 am

Thank you so much :)

x

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leigh hopton October 15, 2013 at 9:26 am

Just love reading your posts x

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Erika October 15, 2013 at 10:41 am

Oh Cherie!!! I was reading this thinking OMG she is talking about me!!!
I grew up with both parents but spent most of my time at the cricket club my Dad was chairman of. I get along better with guys because with them what you see is what you get!! You know exactly where you stand and I suck at reading people!
I’m not good at confrontation which is why I can see one of my friendships fading away at the moment and have no idea how to stop it!!!

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Nicole Nicol October 15, 2013 at 11:17 am

Most of my closest or best friends aren’t ever really on social media anyway. i wouldnt take the defriend too personally..its like a different facebook world in there. Whats happening in the real world is what really counts so as long as you’ve got someone to count on thats all you need.

I’d really hate to be a kid in this facebook age when all this friending and defriending is going on.
nicolex

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Shelley October 15, 2013 at 1:15 pm

I totally get this Cherie. I am so low maintenance when it comes to friendships (literally months can pass and I think nothing of it, and just pick up on the phone/over coffee/via email etc. It works for me with like minded people, but no so much with others! Working 50 to 60 hours a week plus a husband on week on/week off 24/7 shift makes it hard too. I used to worry so much what others thought, now I just try to enjoy my life, my time, and my family. xx

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Deb @ Bright and Precious October 15, 2013 at 4:52 pm

I understand, Cherie. Self-awareness (as you most definitely are) is the key to knowing ‘its not you, its them’ most of the time. I believe the greatest friendships are those where benefit of the doubt is given, where someone ‘gets’ you (not misunderstands you) and accepts you as you are. x

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Claire Lenton October 15, 2013 at 5:39 pm

wow i was nodding and agreeing with all of that! I’m relieved I’m not the only awkward one when it comes to the friendship thing. i am jealous of friends i see that do it all so easily.

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Nicc Nac October 15, 2013 at 10:59 pm

I can totally relate to this. My shyness is oh so very often confused with me “being a bitch” (as was once posted on my facebook page for the whole wide world to see).
Like you, I am a tomboy and (for the most part) have no time for the girly girl drama that comes with some female friendships. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the friends I do have, I’ve had for so many years now, I’ve lost count. And I know they’ll always be there for me when I need them……and that’s all I need.

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Sass and Spice October 17, 2013 at 1:45 am

Yeap I’m the same but am way too busy to even know who has ‘unfriended’ me – I’m sure lately there have been heaps since I’m not really active on FB and forgetting birthdays as just like you I’m also surrounded by a never ending mountain of Huggies nappies.

Girls are high maintenance!

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Maxabella October 17, 2013 at 12:29 pm

I think we’ve ‘discussed’ this topic together before and you know I am similarly girlfriend-challenged. The only difference is that I stopped worrying about it about 20 years ago and I’ve been okay ever since. One thing I do know is that those whom most people consider “good friends” I would consider to be “good acquaintances”, so I guess I often get lost in the semantics. Possibly I am lost somewhere back in year 10, expecting that adult friendships are THAT close and, of course, they’re not. Either way, I’m here for many and I know they’re there for me and I think that’s all that matters in the end. x

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Heidi October 18, 2013 at 11:16 pm

Oh Cherie, you are so good at self evaluation!! I must admit, I think I must be one of those girls that are “good” at friendships (please don’t hate me) but there are issues with that too (like over committing to friends who don’t reciprocate, or getting the whole b#%ching behind the back because I may be a bit full on at times). What I can totally relate to though, is the being bad on the phone and texting side of things. I am normally a confident and outgoing person but on the phone I’m all legs and arms (if that makes sense), I talk at the wrong times, forget what I called for, and ALWAYS feel like I don’t know when to hang up! Urgghh but I guess we can’t have everything can we??

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Mae October 22, 2013 at 8:23 pm

Dude – I’m thrilled about this chance encounter of ours. I’ve particularly enjoyed reading this post and the subsequent comments, as-if to say I’m not a TOTAL loss, hah! People are around for seasons, and while this can sometimes be difficult to accept, I think you’re spot on to adopt a ‘ce la vie’ attitude. It really is more about her than you. While you could angst over it, where does that get you? Worse, you could let HER in on your angst! Let’s say – best case scenario – you confront her about it (ew, scary) and hypothetically ‘work it all out’. That ‘friendship’ is never gonna be the same again anyway. Sad, but true. That ship has sailed. Let it be. I say this only because I’ve ‘been there, done that’. And, it didn’t end well.

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Taylor October 27, 2013 at 11:24 am

I’m a ‘one friend person’ – always have been and always will be. My best friend understands if I don’t call her for weeks like no one else would. I suck at friendships… I feel like I’m spreading myself too thin if I have multiple people who I’m good friends with. I prefer to have my one best friend who I give my all to :)

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The Life of Clare November 7, 2013 at 5:53 am

I’m the same. I say what I mean. None of this… “I’m fine”, and not meaning it. It’s one of the things I’ve struggled most about Roller Derby, an all female sport, is these strange female friendship dances that come straight out of the African plains.

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